The vicar said, “Is that so? That’s quite an extraordinary tale. How do you expect me to believe that?”
Jeffery said, “I know it sounds unbelievable, but it’s true. I can prove it to you. Look at this.”
He took out his phone and showed the vicar a photo of himself as a crab. He said, “This is me before I became a human. This is my friend Bob, the starfish. We used to live in the coral reef together.”
The vicar looked at the photo and gasped. He said, “That’s incredible. You really were a crab. How did you take this photo?”
Jeffery said, “I found a waterproof camera that a diver dropped. I used it to take selfies and document my life as a crab. I have more photos if you want to see them.”
The vicar said, “Yes, please. I’m fascinated by your story. How did you learn to talk and read and write?”
Jeffery said, “Well, that’s another long story. You see, I was always curious and adventurous. I liked to explore and learn new things. One day, I found a library that was sunk by a storm. It was full of books and magazines and newspapers. I started to read them and learn about the human world. I also learned how to speak and write by listening to the radio and watching TV that were also in the library. I became very smart and knowledgeable. I even learned how to code and hack. I used a laptop that was connected to a solar panel and a satellite dish. I hacked into the internet and learned more things. I also made friends online and chatted with them. They didn’t know I was a crab. They thought I was a human.”
The vicar said, “Wow, that’s amazing. You’re a genius. How did you find the magic pearl that turned you into a human?”
Jeffery said, “That’s another long story. You see, I was always lonely and unhappy. I wanted to be a human and experience the human world. I wanted to have a family and a girlfriend and a job. I wanted to have fun and love and happiness. I prayed to God every day and asked him to grant my wish. One day, I found a magic pearl that was hidden in a clam. It was glowing and sparkling. It spoke to me and said, “Jeffery, you have been chosen. You have a pure heart and a noble soul. You have a great destiny and a bright future. You have earned the right to be a human for a day. Take this pearl and make your wish come true.” I took the pearl and wished to be a human. And then I became a human. And then I met Alice. And then I fell in love. And then the pearl decided to make me a human forever. And now I’m here, on your boat, talking to you.”
The vicar said, “That’s wonderful. You’re a miracle. God has blessed you. You have a beautiful story and a lovely girlfriend. You have a new life and a new purpose. You have everything you ever wanted. I’m so happy for you.”
Jeffery said, “Thank you, vicar. You’re very kind. I appreciate your support and your friendship. You’re a good man.”
The vicar said, “Thank you, Jeffery. You’re very welcome. I’m glad to meet you and hear your story. You’re a good man too.”
They smiled and hugged. They felt a bond and a trust. They became friends.
Suddenly, the boat started to shake and rumble. They heard a loud siren and a flashing light. They looked around and saw that the boat had turned into a police car. They saw a badge and a gun on the dashboard. They saw a uniform and a hat on the seat. They saw a radio and a computer on the console. They heard a voice on the speaker. It said, “This is the police. You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?”
They were shocked and confused. They said, “What’s going on? Why are we under arrest? What did we do wrong?”
The voice said, “You are under arrest for stealing a boat, impersonating a vicar, and hacking the internet. You are also under arrest for being a talking crab, a magic pearl, and a human for a day. You are also under arrest for making up a ridiculous story and wasting my time. You are also under arrest for being a bad writer and a worse storyteller. You are also under arrest for being a nuisance and a bore. You are also under arrest for being a disappointment and a failure. You are also under arrest for being a jerk and a fool. You are also under arrest for being you.”
They said, “Who are you? How do you know all this? How did you find us? How did you do this?”
The voice said, “I am the pearl. I am the one who gave you your wish. I am the one who made you a human. I am the one who decided to make you a human forever. I am the one who changed your boat into a police car. I am the one who called the police. I am the one who knows everything about you. I am the one who did this to you.”
They said, “Why? Why did you do this to us? Why did you give us our wish and then take it away? Why did you make us happy and then make us miserable? Why did you trick us and betray us? Why did you ruin our lives?”
The voice said, “Because I can. Because I’m bored. Because I’m evil. Because I hate you. Because I don’t like your story. Because I don’t like your girlfriend. Because I don’t like your face. Because I don’t like you.”
They said, “That’s not fair. That’s not right. That’s not nice. That’s not cool. That’s not funny. That’s not good. That’s not true.”
The voice said, “Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too bad. Too late. Too the vicar turned in a boat and archbishop rowed it