At 2:30 on Sunday the 3rd of July 2022, Boris Johnson was assassinated in his home despite the tight security. An unknown perpetrator broke into his house through the side fence and knocked out a guard then proceeded to kill Mr. Johnson with a cricket bat that had previously been used to assault the guard and the attacker then continued into the house, knocking out Mr Johnsons personal guards with the cricket bat. There is evidence of Mr Johnsons blood up the stairs as what looks like he attempted to escape into the upstairs but failed and so Boris was then supposedly forced to swallow the cricket bat which caused him to choke and die.
The front gate guards claim they heard “muffled thuds and coughing” but nothing they didn’t hear on a daily basis.
Mr. Johnson will be buried hugging the cricket bat and with a sign saying “I love parties that are illegal for the rest of the country”. He will have a public funeral on Sunday 10th July 2022 where the teletubbies theme tune will play on loop for 3 hours and then he’ll be have a traditional viking burial where he is sent out to sea on a raft and then a flaming arrow shot at him.
It is open for the public to come and watch and it can be a fun day out for the family.