MAN KILLS HIMSELF, ESCAPES AFTER POLICE ARRIVE

Yeltsa Kcir, 69, was almost caught this afternoon after taking his own life by swallowing a dildo. He died soon after but was able to barely escape custody by tossing the dildo to the back of an old lady’s head, forcing the policemen to help her. He then pointed at a ni- I mean a tall african-american man, leading the policemen to call an entire precinct worth of backup, allowing Kcir to flee in the proccess.