STUYVESANT HIGH SCHOOL TO CLOSE BY 2022, SYSTEMIC ISSUES CONTINUE TO HOLD ONTO THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS

NEW YORK, NEW YORK- Stuyvesant, after numerous controversies including its infamous lack of black students has officially announced it will close down. In 2021, only 8 black students were admitted- causing outrage around the country. Under the new plans of the state, Stuyvesant’s building will be renovated into a 9/11 museum, and students of the school will be transferred to whichever random school the DOE (Department of Education) assigns them to. We chose to speak to Wolverine, the mascot of fellow specialized high school Bronx Science. Wolverine appeared to be high on weed and various other substances but told reporter Candice D. that he was “very very happy” with the closing. Wolverine then proceeded to take a massive piss on the floor, shocking and offending spectators. We also spoke with the mascot of Townsend Harris- the hawk, who was gleefully dancing in joy. “Now,” the hawk said, “We can hog all the Asians who normally would’ve gone to Stuyvesant! Townsend Harris is officially number one!” The hawk and Wolverine then entered horribly graphic anal sex, expressing their glee that their rival school had been eliminated. Stuyvesant Principal Yu declined to comment.