Joe Biden Resigns as President: Cites His Own Incompetence

Joe Biden today called a press conference citing his own inability to function as president as cause to resign. He also said speaking English is “too hard” so he’ll now communicate via grunts and misinterpreted hand signals. He plans to turn over the reins of government to Kamala “Cackles” Harris who at the time of the announcement was still trying to find the US-Mexico border. When asked about the situation, Speaker Pelosi said “This is all Trump’s fault, if he hadn’t done something as stupid as letting the American economy soar, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” She also assured her constituents that her refrigerator was “full of quality high end chocolate and ice cream” and though they were starving outside the walls of her estate, she would be “just fine.”