Teen spreads deadly version of COVID-19?

We have heard reports that a young teen, Linda Dojova (age 15), located in the East Midlands had been allegedly spreading an even deadly version of COVID-19; the sheer amount of cock, fingers, toes and tongues that have entered her hole have caused an uncontrollable outburst of cell mutation and infection within the ‘cave’. This has been causing many to have a consistent and painful cough and leading many to their deathbeds, early.